


i think i left the faucet running

by tamagotchitadashi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Drowning, Gen, Suicide Attempt, it isn't stated explicitly but tadashi is having a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 18:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11064423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tamagotchitadashi/pseuds/tamagotchitadashi
Summary: water fills his lungs and euphoria floods his heart. everything is filled until breaking point, and honestly? he just can't wait to break.





	i think i left the faucet running

tadashi is drowning!

he is drowning in a bathtub far too hot and far too deep, and everything sounds far away and makes him feel even more disorientated, clinging onto the muffled sounds of the tap running, running hot and loud and cruel and getting closer and closer to splashing over the edge like liquidised bullets with every moment he takes as he holds himself under, calls on all he has inside him to not give up, not jolt upwards and gasp for air like he does after the nightmares - oh, the nightmares - does it the best he can even though there is barely anything inside him at all, because he is a coward, he is so stupid, and nobody even needs him so why is he still here, what is his purpose, why are they prolonging this instead of telling him they don't need him, don't want him, why aren't they telling him to go away, freak, or why don't you do us all a favour and kill yourself, yamaguchi?

he hears other sounds too, hears people talking in voices that are too loud, stop it, you're interrupting his monologue. they are shoving against the door. stop it! let him die!

his body burns, and he is happy with that, yes, please, burn off my skin and replace it with someone unblemished and beautiful! replace my cowardly heart! reincarnate me with someone strong, someone who is beloved pleasepleaseplease yes yES YES!!!!!

the voices are louder and he is even more confused, even more disorientated, as the water starts to spill over the edge, drip-drip-dripping onto the floor in a cascade of fire disguised as water, water, water... what's happening? where is he? who are the people at the door?

it is almost as if he has lost his grip on r

e

a

lity, how peculiar!

how fun it is to burn alive in a mix of sweat and tears and fire!!! oh the fire!! so hellish, haha, because hell is where he belongs-

he hurt them!!! he hurt them and yet he's whining about how hurt he is, how selfish, how typical of him - thinking about himself when he's ruined so many people, plucked them - plucked them like a child absentmindedly picks the prettiest flowers - and tore off their petals one by one, slowly, slowly, s..l...o...w...l....y.... until there's nothing left of them but a dull-eyed carcass, a sad spot the difference between two mirror images until you see - oh, how obvious, i've found it - the second picture has no light in their eyes anymore.

please stop, my friend, that's too many thoughts for him to handle, too many thoughts far too fast - they override him, they push him up, up, up - and he's failed.

he's given up.

he's failed even in being a failure, how ironic. tadashi gasps for breath, switches off the tap and cries.

there is still knocking at the door, and tadashi hears distinct voices now, level up, he hears tsukki - leave, no, i've hurt you too much anyway, kei, please - he hears his sister - oh god, oh god, aiko, i'm sorry - he hears his own ugly sobs as he gets out of the bath.

TADASHI, TADASHI, TADASHI they say ARE YOU OKAY WHATS HAPPENING WHAT THE FUCK - SORRY AIKO - ARE YOU TRYING TO DO

his hands shake and his feet are close to collapsing and water dripdripdrips onto his face from his hair that's growing too long again, fuck, he's going to have to try and cut it himself again and he just really doesn't like scissors in his hands please can he go to a hairdressers he'll find a cheap one please-

TADASHI TADASHI TADASHI

i'm coming! i'm sorry! but you should leave, you should leave, live your lives before i hurt you even more! 

he wraps himself in his dressing gown and manages to take shaky, shaky - i'mgoingtofalli'mgoingtofall - steps to the door, unlocks it and lets tsukki open it from the outside.

he is wrapped in words and warmth and he's crying, he's crying and they're crying - it's his fault he made them cry! - and he's hugging them close, he is sorry for what he's done, and sorry because he knows - he fucking knows - that he's most likely going to end up trying the same shit again.


End file.
